i somehow find that showers are the best "thinking times".. not that i consciously think while showering, but my mind somehow drifts to different things and come to certain surprising conclusions / revelations / light bulb moments etc..
today my mind was drifting to current issues in my life, and also took a stroll down memory lane.. through that journey, i've discovered certain things..
i've realized that there are 2 things that ignite my usually cool temper:
1. being unfairly judged
2. being accused of things i did not do
these also cause a lot of hurt. i do get hurt, but hurt + anger is not very common a combination in my life.
i've realized this by reflecting back on the times i've been explosively angry back when i was a teenager (man that sounds like it was so long ago!) until my dad had to tell me to stop shouting. after that i stopped shouting i think, but i can tell u the shouting continued long and loudly in my head. i still do this today.. when i'm angry, i'll be arguing and shouting and venting all my anger, only in my head. sometimes heated words do leak, but the bulk of it is still in my head.
not many here have seen my temper, i think only my family has seen the full extent of my temper, but i think my colleagues have seen my temper spark more than anyone else here in kk. when things don't get done properly and on time.. heated words leak, but i do control it.
these few weeks has seen constant flares of hurt and resentment like nothing i've known in my 5 years here. at first hurt.. but now more and more mixed with resentment that causes frequent shouting matches in my head. nothing even like any bgr problems i've had before. i'd have expected those fragile and intimate relationships to cause much more hurt but who knew.. perhaps because i'm sore on these 2 areas and i dont get hit here from bgrs. sigh.
nevertheless, i see God's fingerprints on all these.. just like Him to bring stuff to poke all the sore spots and bring it out in the open for me to deal with. God continues to move, even though inside i feel like i'm further away from Him than i've ever been in these past 5 yrs.. the grace and love of God.. would a mere mortal such as i even begin to comprehend its breadth and depth?
for now, the way forward is still hidden from me.. i'm still stuck where i dont want to be with no way out. all i know now is to say these words from a book i read today, "I shall never do otherwise, if You leave me to myself; 'tis You must hinder my falling, and mend what is amiss"
'tis You..
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July 3, 2009 at 2:49 PM
July 3, 2009 at 2:51 PM
Hey Johannah,
didnt get to catch up much with u in church - hopefully will get to talk to u this week! :)
i can sort of relate to u - i'm the type to bottle up my anger though in the past i used to scream and shout a lot. but bottling up, i've learned, can cause lots of pent-up frustration and may cause even more misunderstandings sometimes...maybe once u've calmed down a bit, you could sit down with the person who inflicted that hurt and talk through it? And of course, pray about it too. :)
btw - so bold of u for sharing ur feelings and being upfront n honest abt that...i sometimes find i struggle to be honest with myself! sth i should look into...
encouraged to read how u r still seeking God's perspective in ur life despite the distance w him. it reminds me of Brooke Fraser's song, 'Faithful'...do check it out if u haven't listened to it yet. it gave me peace during that season... :)
blessings!
July 3, 2009 at 2:52 PM
ah sorry - and it's Johanna not Johannah! typo... :P
July 3, 2009 at 4:34 PM
thanks very much for the encouragement girl! the lyrics of the song faithful does indeed apply hehe
I do bottle up my anger, cause I don't really believe blowing up is the right thing to do hehe. but in anger issues, I find that many times talking doesn't really resolve the issues in me. what I tend to do is scream n shout in my head n rant to God til the angry emotions are released, then resolve the thing within me n let go. after that if there is a need to talk then I will, but it has to first be resolved in me. I quickly forget all these also, unless it's really really bad..
so far these work for me hehe =) how do u get rid of anger?
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