..spiritual maturity.. sigh..
josh preached on the christian life today, on why we do what we do.. and it came down to this..
..spiritual maturity..
my growth (or growth spurt) began a few years back when i came to kk to study, when i joined skyline. i've always loved God, though sometimes not as much as i should, i've always known in my heart, deep down, that He would always be number 1 in my life and i'll always go back to Him, even though sometimes i run away from Him for a season.. i was growing back home, very slowly, but growing.. building foundations in knowledge of the Word n stuff like that (not that big a feat considering i grew up in a denomination that emphasizes the Word and study of the Word above many other things..sunday school (which was from 4 or 5 yrs old to 17 yrs old) for me was pretty much Bible study), in essense, i was growing in the head. but here, i was growing in a different way, i was growing more in the heart. i've come to love God a lot more these past few years, and my life has changed in ways that surprises me..
but as i thought about maturing spiritually and reflected on my own walk with my God, i've realised that now, its a lot harder for me to live a "conflict-less" life.. a year or two back, i could do some things and not feel bad about it, but now, even a little compromise in my life would throw my heart off balance.
i am not a person that can live a life of hypocrisy, i've tried it, but my heart cant and will not tolerate it in my life. that's the reason why i stopped going to church for a year in my teenage days. i couldnt stand putting up an act in front of all the church members, making them think that all is well between me and God when He and i both knew it was a lie. i'd rather have people think badly of me than step into the house of God when i wasnt there to worship Him. think my parents went thru a rough time then. i knew my mom did, my dad let me make my own decision. we lived in the church compound itself, so its hard to miss when the pastor's daughter only comes to church when the service is over. i never told them why i didnt go. my mom thought it was because i was lazy to wake up early, and i left it at that.
i was never good at concealing my feelings.. when things arent right in my life, anyone who has eyes can see. i cant even pretend to be alright.. and so right now, that, combined with a little compromise, throws my life into chaos, emotionally.. its ok when its just between me and God, we can work it out slowly, but when it involves church and the ministries i'm involved in.. sigh.. a mess.. how do i go on stage to worship when i'm not right before God?? and its not as easy as just telling God "i'm sorry". i could do that and make myself feel a bit better in serving, but it'll just be a lie. i wont tell God i'm sorry until and unless i'm really sorry about what i did and if i'm willing to follow through in action.
how do i live a life that is selflessly devoted and submitted to God? all the time? i can be more motivated to be selfless when i'm with people, but why is it so hard when it comes to choosing God's pleasure above my own? i've been more selfless for someone i gave up for God.
the phrase i put on my msn a few days ago was this..
"the higher i go, the deeper i fall"
and thats so true of the life i live now. the further along i go in God, the easier i fall because even little things will cause me to stumble now, because i'm so much more aware now of the things i'm doing wrong compared to before. my life is like a sine graph now, and sometimes its really discouraging. i can go on a high with God in the day, and at night crash and burn so easily. sometimes i hate having such a weak will, when i can fall so easily and so hard in the same day, its like making the time being close to God such a cheap thing.
tomorrow is another day of serving. i havent settled things with God yet, and there's a prayer meeting in the morning before worship practice.. i really dislike going to prayer meetings when i'm not right with God in my heart.. and even more, i dislike so so much being on stage when my heart is not right.
God, i need to know how You feel.. i need to feel Your pain and disappointment when i fall. i need to know the pain so that i wont make You feel like that again.. please..
me..
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