i'm not much of a blogger, as evidenced by the last post i posted.. but since my dear mentee asked me to blog, well, i will blog about my day. i dont promise frequent posts as i'm normally too lazy to blog, but we'll see how things go.
today wasnt the greatest of days, in fact, it was one of those low low looooowww days. woke up depressed i guess.. let me give a brief on what brought this on...
yesterday, i spent the whole day talking to my ex and it brought back a lot of emotions i guess. i'm not in love with him, though i still do love him. its more that the ease of talking and sharing with him brought back days of being with someone, working together (in a sense), having a companion.. but more than just companionship, it brought back the reality of how much i chose to give up. he was one of the best things in my life.
which brings me to why i was depressed.. i was crying out to God inside all morning, asking Him why? why am i waiting? how long do i have to wait? it feels like i have given up everything i hold dear and been left with nothing. not only in the area of relationships but also in my work. i had been promised one thing from the beginning and now, after a year, that promise still has not been fulfilled. i'm not by nature a very patient person, i can force myself to be for a while, but sooner or later, this happens..
it hurts so much to see again the things i have given up, to still wish things could be different but yet knowing that path is closed to me. to be able to imagine in my little human head how wonderful life could be if only.. yet know that it will never happen. to still be waiting and waiting and not know when this waiting will be over but also seeing no short term end to the entire process.
and the question that rings in my heart is "why Lord?". i dont doubt God and His plans and His best and everything we all know, but yet my heart still struggles with these feelings. i know God has better plans and even this waiting has His purposes written on it, but yet walking through it isnt any easier. if only i could have a choice when to turn off my emotions and when to turn them on again...
O God, i love You so much, You know i do. i have given all i have and all i want to You. it hurts so much to walk through this but i will do it because You want me to. please just give me the strength to continue waiting, continue walking..
me..
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